When I was 15 I fell in love. I fell in love with a feeling. And since then, I’ve spent my spare time chasing anything else that made me feel that whole again. That place was Manhattan, New York. Anyone who has ever accompanied me there could vouch that my eyes light up and a smile never leaves my face. It’s the kind of pure happiness that I don’t think anyone has ever seen from me. (and I’m relatively a happy go-lucky-gal.)
Anyone I’ve ever spoken to about their experience living there gets it. And whether they liked it or decided to leave the concrete jungle they all say the same thing. “There’s just nothing like New York City”. For those who love it, it’s typically because of the energy. You can’t duplicate it, and to us it’s doesn’t matter that our apartment is small, or that everything is expensive, because we just can’t get that satisfaction type energy anywhere else. It’s an optimistic sense of hope; that you’re living for yourself while being surrounded by so many. It’s the idea that you may not know anyone you’re passing on the street yet you are both the same. It’s the common mind set of every New Yorker to strive, thrive and not just survive.
It’s not just New York, it’s everything it’s everything the city has ever stood for. It’s the Sinatra, It’s the Carrie Bradshaw, It’s the hustle and bustle to achieve anything you want.
After college my plan was to move to NYC, hoping that I would land a job there. I was hesitant for change, for leaving my family, and it just wasn’t the right time. But that hasn’t changed my love or dreams of being there. I feel so creative and alive there.
And as my parents say, “I see the world (and the city) with rose colored glasses on) I’ve asked to hear all the negatives: all the costs, the cold, the inconvenience of city life. The roaches, the crime and the rats. But that hasn’t changed the feeling in my bones of knowing where my heart feels the most home. I’ve wished for a lifetime that Arizona could feel that type of way for me, and it just hasn’t happened yet.
And as I sit here and write this, it’s an emotional process. For the longest time; well, since I graduated, I’ve put New York on the back burner because to be honest, I was extremely disappointed in myself that I didn’t make it happen right out of college. It has been one of the hardest and best “failures” or “lessons learned” for me to grasp. And even though I believe in “timing” and “everything happens for a reason” I had to come to terms that it wasn’t the right timing. There are so many things in this lifetime I want to accomplish. I know I’ll get to New York one day and get to call it my home, but until then I’m focused on me and becoming the best possible version of myself. Understanding that for now, whatever happens happens for a reason. (My biggest coping mechanism).
Another realization you have to learn about your 20s is life actually does happen when you make to many plans. For the longest time, I was an over planner. And yeah, I still kinda am when it comes to timelines, but the more I choose to let go and let happen, the better I feel. Finding that balance is hard, and although my impressions of my twenties was having that already figured out, I’ve now realized people even in there 30s don’t have that balancing act down to a science. Because what kind of life would that be anyways?
After multiple breakdowns and a still very confusing period of my life and 20s; some heartbreaks, some lost friendships, some regained friendships, and a rebirth of creativity, I figured the only real way to set myself straight on moving to New York was to quickly and on a budget, book a ticket to New York for a weekend to figure out my life..haha. surprise.
*DISCLAIMER because I know I’m going to get asked alot of questions… I’m not moving just yet but it’s definitely apart of the big picture...you will just have to stay tuned to see what happens next.